Trans Men Together

My name is James, though I tend to go by Jamie, and I have male privilege. I don’t have all the trappings of it, there are the times I don’t pass, the times I didn’t try, and the times I don’t want to, but I’m going to start with having it, and how that affects my life.

• I find myself being sexist without meaning to – stepping into the road to allow a woman to continue on the pavement, whilst not necessarily doing so for a man, because I don’t want  to be the one that submits to his wishes unless I respect him. I find myself being aware of women around me and how to respect them, holding doors etc, where I wouldn’t necessarily for a man. Some people tend to be unfussed by this, feeling that it’s the respect a man should show to a woman, but I wonder when i started, and intrinsically I feel it’s wrong. I don’t see any reason why I should have the right to treat women differently now, because I identify as male, when I treated them the same as men before, when I lived as female, and I have no idea when I internalised these messages. I know I didn’t used to act like this, so it’s been in the previous… let’s say 2 or 3 years that I’ve picked up these traits. It’s hard to know how to eradicate them. Do I stay on the pavement and one of us step into the road at the last minute? Do I exercise my privilege by forcing the woman to step into the road? With doors it’s easier, I just hold them open for anyone, on buses I go on in order of arrival, unless there’s someone who obviously needs to get on first. I struggle though with whether I’m exercising privilege unduly, or not, and how to act appropriately in different situations.
• I find myself having to be “that man” in social situations with other guys. That man that lectures them on how what they said was anti-feminist or sexist or homophobic even if they didn’t think of it that way. And I don’t resent doing that, I’m glad I can, but at the same time it’s not something I’m used to doing. People just assume I will be sexist and misogynistic up to a point, even (especially) women, and I find it hard to analyse to what extent I am and to what extent this is placed on me through social situations. I don’t want to be that person and to some extent it gives me guilt about having a male identity. I don’t want my existence to cause pain and hurt, or my self to be a party to it. I try and support women in standing up where appropriate but is that right even? It’s hard to know, am I just exercising my privilege again by assuming a woman can’t stand up for herself.
• People make way for me in the street. If I’m in my hoodie and jeans they’ve been known to cross the road to avoid me because as a man in those clothes I seem threatening. Is there any way I can mitigate this, and seem somewhat safer, without changing who I am?
• I’ve internalised a lot of those messages that say that to be a woman I should be tall, and slim, and beautiful, and long haired, and wearing make-up, and submissive, and that men are tall and muscular and fit, and hard, and rugged, and dominant, and yet sometimes soft and romantic. I’m not a woman, but there’s this intense sense of failure that I never met those aims, and I feel hugely guilty when I see a woman like  that and she attracts me. I’m mostly attracted to men, but when, on the rare occasion, that happens, I feel horrible that I’m playing into this abuse of women. I feel like a failure as well for not meeting the standards of men. I’m not fit, I carry a little extra padding, I’m short and emotional and not particularly dominant. I feel like I’ve internalised both sets of messages and try and balance them whilst coming up as a failure to both.
• When I don’t pass I feel intensely visible, moreso than I did when I actively lived as female, I feel like everyone can see me and is judging me on my (masculine) appearance and finding it lacking because I don’t look like their view of what a proper woman should. I don’t know if all women feel this all the time, or if it’s a rare sense, but it’s horribly uncomfortable, and makes me feel like a boyish flat chested twelve year old surrounded by débutantes and beauties.
• There are times when I want to be perceived as performing femininity, as a man. When I put a dress on and  heels and bind and then pad my chest and pack. I want to be seen as a drag queen, and I wonder what that does to how women, cis or trans, are seen and treated if I do a performance of over the top femininity. Is it degrading to women? If so, is it something I should stop doing? And then how should I manage to present femininity when I need to to remain congruent with my gender identity.

I feel like identifying as male has forcibly changed a lot of how I interact with the world and how the world interacts with me, and I’m not sure that that’s a good thing. I feel like being perceived as male is on some level dangerous or damaging for women, and even worse being seen as a man performing femininity. I don’t know how to mitigate the effects of my actions, and if anyone has the time or energy, I’d appreciate some support in how to navigate society being the best “ally” I can to women around me.